This week has been increasingly busy, peaking yesterday (on hump day, no less!) and finally, seems to be "slowing down." I write "slowing down" in quotes because although I don't actually have any commitments that pull me away from writing, I am faced with the major commitment that is term papers.
Had an odd dream last night, of which I only recall fragments. Part of it involved me obsessing over an odd, coarse hair growth above my upper lip-kind of like a one-sided mustache. Another part featured my roommate, who coming into my room, exclaimed "Now we have 3 diet cokes!"
So many things happened yesterday. The draft session in Informal learning was invaluable-I finally feel like I have a direction for my paper, and I don't think I would feel nearly as capable without consulting with Cara and Melissa about my interview. (Distributed cognition, anyone?) Part of me feels guilty (?) for not being able to develop a decent paper on my own. Right now I can't tell if my seemingly scattered thoughts are due to something within me or if they are more a result of this hectic quarter. I've never had so much trouble writing a paper before, so that makes me think that I'm still being governed by various stressors outside of myself.
Joined Nick's flag members for beer and pizza, which was a much needed diversion. I actually had quite a realization during our get together. I tend to think that everyone else is better than me, or more deserving of graduate student status, or just more knowledgeable in general, and therefore, should have freedom to speak and question and share their opinions. I don't see myself in this light, and adopting these assumptions have been holding me back both socially and academically. Socially because I typically would not go to an outing with my cohort, thinking that they would rather spend time with smarter, extroverted, more interesting people than myself. This assumption no longer stands, since it seems that everyone was happy to socialize with me and made numerous statements that they were glad I joined them. Academically, I tend to remain silent in class because I think that my opinions do not matter. I operate from the position that if my ideas aren't fully articulated, they should not be articulated all. But I see other people sharing their scattered thoughts during class, and Carrie even went so far as to mention something along the lines of sharing/speaking being the cornerstone of meaning making and scholastic development. So, in not speaking, I'm not just stunting my own education, I am in fact limiting what others may be taking away from a class discussion as well. There is still the fact that my silence is due to habit, and that habits are hard to change. However, I'm wondering if thinking about my silence as something that hurts others' intellectual growth will motivate me to speak more in class and to "risk" sharing some of my incomplete thoughts.
The Zeus Leonardo talk was really boring. I had high hopes for the lecture, but his presentation was really jut lackluster. Perhaps he was nervous? He had a powerpoint and read off his notes the entire time, making it hard for me (or others, I'm guessing) to connect with his position. So much of the presentation dealt with theory and authors I myself did not recognize, so that no doubt contributed to my "meh" attitude about the whole thing.
GSA general assembly was long but rather productive. To signal agreement or support for positions/motions, we collectively "snap." Today my fingers are feeling the aftershock of repeated agreement, leaving my thumb and middle finger tender with every keystroke.
Off to (paper) writing!
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